Some Cycling Terms

In case you are new to The War on Cycling we may use some terms here that confuse you. I just wanted to take some time to clear those up.

Cyclist:  Let it be clear that when we say “cyclist” on this site we specifically mean the spandex wearing douche bag type.

Cager: A cager is a slur that cyclists use against automobile drivers. It’s somewhat ironic, since pretty much all cyclists also driver cars. Much like the F-word to gay people or the N-word to black people, cager is also a term that non-cyclists use in reference to each other, in order to rob the word of its power. None-the-less you will often hear cyclists use the slur freely and without shame.

Critical Mass (aka Critical Ass): Critical Mass is a semi-organized cycling event. Ideally it is to be held in most metro areas on the last Friday of the month, but it can really be any time or place. Any time a group of douche bag cyclists with nothing better to do decide to get in huge groups and ride around town slowing down traffic, it can be considered Critical Mass. Some cyclists claim it is merely a chance for social interaction and exercise, however many will admit that is in fact a means of protest and intimidation against non-cyclists. Whatever the reason, it’s really freaking annoying. It is sometimes referred to as Critical Ass because the participants are usually gigantic assholes with little to live for other than causing more traffic and mayhem.

Chain Gang: This is that long line of cyclists riding single file, making it almost impossible to pass them. No shit, cyclists claim this is a training tool, no doubt preparing their fat asses for the Tour de Bacon they have coming up next month. Cyclists frequently use this formation to run red lights and 4 way stops.