Zack Morris: “If You Don’t Shave Your Legs, You Aren’t a Real Cyclist”

Mark Paul Gosselaar, a.k.a. Zack “Preppy” Morris, was on Conan this past week where he and Conan O’Brien discussed cycling. Here is a clip of the interview, which I’ll get back to in a minute.

As it turns out, between scheming his way out of detention, and getting cancer from that giant brick of a cell phone, Zac Morris also used to enjoy creating chaos on the streets of Bayside while cycling. Is it really any surprise Zack flunked Driver’s Ed in episode 6336, “Driver’s Education”? As we all know, cyclists aren’t very knowledgeable on the rules of the road. And who can forget the classic episode where Zack made Slater late for his date with Kelly by cycling 5 MPH in front of him on a curvy two lane road with no shoulder? 

It's important to remember that Zack Morris really popularized the “douche bag” lifestyle in the late 80s and earl 90s. Not everyone could be a jock like Slater but anyone with enough hair gel and brightly colored clothes could be a raging douche bag. Millions of teens who couldn’t play football or pass honors Chemistry tuned into Saved by the Bell every Saturday to learn the ways of the douche bag as a means of avoiding offing themselves as failures at life. A few years later these kids were popping collars and riding their bikes 35 MPH under the speed limit. 

Now that I think about it, this also explains the constant bombardment of Franklin and Bash commercials during the NBA playoffs. These ads weren’t intended to inform us of a show about two unconventional lawyers who are shaking up the court room, no more than going for bike ride is simply a fun way to get exercise while spending time outdoors. Much like cycling, these ads were simply a way to inconvenience others for the self-gratifying ego boost.

But back to the interview, during which Gosselaar chastised Conan for not shaving his legs and said that all “real cyclists” do so. This brings me back to my original point. I have often been criticized for lumping all cyclists together. As I have mentioned before it is OK to paint some groups with a broad brush, such as the Nazis, the KKK, and politicians. And similarly when you say something about one cyclist, it usually applies to all of them. Cyclists fit this bill as well. And Preppy, a cyclist himself, agrees. You have to do certain things to be a real cyclist, wear spandex, shave your legs, and ride your bike around town for the sole purpose of causing traffic issues.